As the meeting time approached, I wanted to turn and run, but I knew I needed this time to heal my heart. As we were talking and praying, I could sense that there was something holding me back from healing. It came to light - I felt unworthy of His love. The tears came, the peace, and the healing came when I realized I am worthy. I felt worthy and loveable that day I went home and for weeks, even months afterwards. Then the feelings of being worthless and unloveable came back and have been hovering in my life.
I am participating in a Beth Moore bible study the Psalms of Ascent. At the end of last weeks homework, we looked at Psalm 124. The focus of our homework was learning (or pounding in my thick head) that God is on our side. As I meditated on that Psalm, studied the word, did my homework those words of the Psalm and my homework really penetrated my soul. It was like a light bulb went on in my head. One of those "aha" moments. God doesn't just tolerate me, He loves me. He will be on my side, He will be my conqueror, He will choose me, and He will not be separated from me. He knows I am going to mess up and he is there to help me pick up the pieces, walk in His path, and grow in the knowledge of Him.
In the middle of my homework this week, I really began to understand why those feelings of being worthless and unloveable continued to stay with me. Even though I have heard and studied the truth, I did not sow the seed, I ate it. I was feeling peaceful and free from my heavy heart, but it only lasted a short time because the seeds that were planted were not allowed to harvest. A harvest is never instant it demands time (Beth Moore pg 82). Galatians 6:9 says "At the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I know now I need to sow the seed. I need to be patient. I need to trust in God's love for me because I am worthy of it.